Earlier this month, Brazil’s president, Jair Bolsonaro, blamed Leonardo DiCaprio for setting forest fires in the Amazon rain forest. “Leonardo DiCaprio is a great guy, isn’t he?” President Bolsonaro said facetiously. Bolsonaro went on to say that DiCaprio “donat[ed] money to set the Amazon on fire” for his own personal gain.
DiCaprio responded on Instagram by reiterating his support for the people of Brazil and for the continued protection of the rain forest.
But the whole incident got me thinking: What if we could just blame everything on Leonardo DiCaprio? What if all the bad things in the world—real or imagined— could just be attributed to him? Wouldn’t that be cathartic?
So in no particular order, here are the things—real or imagined—I intend to blame on Leonardo from here on out:
- He handwrites letters to children telling them there is no Santa Claus.
- He shot J.R. Ewing.
- He greenlit Season 2 of The Masked Singer.
- He’s on a friends and family phone plan with O.J. Simpson and Matt Lauer.
- He replies-all in all of his email, just as a matter of course.
- He thinks Friends would have been a better show if Paula Deen had played the Rachel character.
- He dated Taylor Swift, but he was so boring, she never wrote a song about him.
- He used Lizzo’s tiny purse as a handkerchief.
- He invented Tik Tok, autoplay on Netflix, and those plastic anti-theft cases cassettes used to come in.
- At karaoke, he only sings the full version of Don McLean’s “American Pie.”
- He suggested Beyonce and Jay-Z name Blue Ivy “Mildred Ethelred.”
- He thinks Tom Hanks is “just not that nice.”
- He signs you up to receive robocalls, junk mail, chain letters, Candy Crush invitations, and evites to that co-worker’s fourth baby shower.
- He wants to recast all of Hallmark’s Christmas movies with the Kardashians.
- He’s always on a juice cleanse and wants to tell you all about it.
- He’s already seen the script for Season 4 of Stranger Things, and he tweeted that the lovable weird kid dies at the end and Barb is NEVER COMING BACK.
- He came to Thanksgiving and said the turkey was “quite moist.”
- He thinks puppies are overrated.
- When he comments on your blog, he uses all caps and hashtags his own comments. #LeoWasHere #Blessed
- He knew how to get everyone off of Gilligan’s Island, but he said nothing.
- He eats egg salad on your holiday flight.
- When asked who his favorite poet is, he said Justin Bieber.
- He has a selfie-stick. And he likes it.
- He messaged Kate Middleton and told her Meghan hates all of her hats.
- He uses that old dial-up modem sound for his ringtone.
- He picked you in Secret Santa, and he bought you a Peloton.
- He’s the reason TSA makes us take our shoes off at the airport. It’s a weird foot fetish thing.
- He ate all the Popeye’s chicken.
- He went to see himself in The Revenant, but he whisper-talked the whole time.
- He was steering the Titanic.
- He insists his essential oils MLM is not a pyramid scheme.
See? Don’t you feel better already? What do you want to blame on Leo? Go for it!